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| so i have this skill of sorts. i used to think it was a gift, but more and more i'm beginning to believe that it's quite the opposite. i'm not much of a visual learner, instead i retain things well when i hear them. i can remember almost everything that i've heard, sometimes not right away, but if i think hard enough i can recall it.
the problem is that once something is said, those words play like a record inside my head, even if they no longer hold significance. there are times when certain phrases just replay over and over. drives me insane ...
strange huh?
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| it's funny that i forget about xanga and then remember it at the most random times. i'm not even sure why i write anymore. most of the prolific xanga-writers have long since stilled their pens (by pens i suppose i mean typing on a keyword). i don't even know who, if anyone, still reads these entries.
today i started reading ayn rand's "the virtue of selfishness", a collection of essays published in the Objectivist Journal that outline why man needs a code of ethics and upon what foundation this should be created. i'm not very far. i made it through the introduction and the first essay. it's good so far and gives me fodder to chew on. i realized today that it's getting harder for me to just sit and think for hours on end. i used to be able to read something and sit for hours and even days digesting the material and forming opinions about the text and even arguments against it. now, i can barely read a few pages before my mind starts wandering.
biology is finally over. thank goodness! grades haven't been posted yet for the class, so my fingers are still crossed.
let's see ... what else is new in my life? mm ... christmas is almost here. it's snowed buckets in minnesota, so we'll definitely have another white christmas. there was one year when i was in high school when the ground wasn't covered with snow on christmas day. somehow it didn't feel right opening presents on a day like that.
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| from a week ago ... words written on blank pages i tried to fill with dreams i had once upon a time. words left to commemorate moments i somehow thought i wouldn't remember. but in the end, it's the words left between the lines that shadow my past. looking back on foolish notions of a little girl who couldn't even understand her own motivations for writing, i know that that girl no longer exists. i feel like a phoenix. rising from the ashes of a time that has gone with the wind. a nightingale taking wing from the cage of always dwelling in the past. somehow i recall Frost right now. i can't remember the stanza. but i know the feeling. i can imagine the writings on the birch trees. the little girls dancing to the music from a box. i'm closing the lid of an era of confused convictions and operning another. and embarking on adventures i don't want to try to predict. | | |
| my first post in a long time ... i had forgotten that i even had a xanga account until someone mentioned it today. since i started writing freshman year, i might as well come full circle and write now from my perspective as a senior. time has passed so quickly. i can still remember when my parents dropped me off in late august three years... i came to MIT with uncountable expectations of my "golden years". after three years here, i can honestly say that many of my initial hopes have not been realized, but the set of experiences i've gained has more than outweighed the unfulfilled desires of a teenage girl. it's strange and almost difficult to grasp how much things have changed in the past few years. i had a long conversation with a friend today, and while we talked i realized how different my outlook on life is now. practicality has replaced idealism. reason has replaced naivete. this older version of myself feels much more grounded. three years ago i could tell you how i felt at a certain moment in time, but now i not only can explain my emotions in great detail, i can tell you the cause and effects of them. i guess this new-found sense of self is something i should be proud of, since it's what i've wanted to discover for years ... but somehow there are moments that the ability to pinpoint why i feel a certain way is just cause for confusion and frustration. well ... i must get back to reading bio (the bane of my existence). funny that procrastination is a habit i will never shake. | | |
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